God has shown me very directly several times in my life that I am not the center of the universe. He has shown me how to be humble. I was kind of miserable in pain and discomfort in a bath room of the recovery room at Mo Bap when I heard my oldest cousin Rick had died. I immediately thought of Janice and her boys, Joe and Sam, and Emily her daughter and what their morning must be like. You never really know what to do when you hear news that will change your life. Maybe the answer to every question IS compassion. When I heard the news about Rick, I regret that I did not immediately hug my sister, Mary. My mind for a moment left Janice and her family, and thought of my poor mother sitting at home. I know she was anxious about my surgery and she was spending the morning, praying and waiting for news. As she is focused on prayers for me, all of a sudden she gets run over by this news of her oldest nephew. Later that day my dad checked his phone and notice he had received a text from Rick at 7:30 a.m. Rick texted, "Our prayers are sent back to you and John today. All my good wishes are with you. Let me know if I can do anything other than pray. Love you guys." So the last interaction between my cousin Rick and my dad (and me) was a selfless act of love for me. Thanks God, I got the message. And also thanks to Rick for your act of love.
I don't know when I first met Emily, I think she may have been 11 or so. She was pleasant and laughed like any kid would. A new kid in the family, when we did not have too many, this is cool I thought. Janice, I do not have to remember exactly when I met you. This is because in the last 20 years, your greetings to me are always the same. Janice would always greet me with a smile and ask me how I was doing. Then she would ask me a question about Uganda or about my job search or about school. It was obvious she was keeping up on my life and genuinely cared about me and wanted me to do well in whatever I was doing. It had to be tough for Janice to come into our family, because it was pretty much settled at the time, and not everyone at that time was as welcoming as I would have liked them to be. Or a better choice of words, I wish all my blood relatives had welcomed Janice into our family the way she welcomed all of us. I was just a cousin and was not as close. But now, I do know the path I will take from here on out. I want to always welcome Janice and her family the way she welcomes me. I want to Janice Janice.
I think this goal will be easy to do, as I will have Emily on my side. Actually Emily is on every one's side. She stepped into the hole that Rick's passing created and immediately started talking to people, posting on Facebook (this seems silly, but I have learned that communicating your feelings through FB sometimes can proclaim your love to a wider audience--so it has to be good, right?) and just setting up some of the small details. For example, it was Emily who said Jeannie Magee needs to be the singer for the funeral. It was Emily who saw my breakfast post a couple of days ago and instantly made plans for the six of us to be together. Emily, I cannot tell you how impressed I have been in the last month with your wisdom, your kindness, and your ability to pull all of us together during this tough time. And I know by some of your words, this loss is as big for you as it is for any one. It will not get easier, but you will learn to live with your grief a little better, you will get used to the sorrow that is in your heart. My Faith tells me this bit of comfort -- Rick is watching all of this. I cannot even begin to fathom how much his love for you, and his pride in just who you are grows as he gets to watch you.....simply be you. You have taken some of the best qualities of your mother and added them on to your soul and your words that give others strength will eventually give you strength also. I also know you will be a great big sister to Joe and Sam when they need it the most. I have the best older sister in the world, and I know in my most trying times she is always there with me.
It is the little things that I notice as a teacher, that tells me something about parents. After a pretty long wait for breakfast, when it was time to order, all three little ones sat up straight, looked the server in the eye, and clearly told her what they wanted to eat. (Although, the oldest was correct later when he told us that she did not get his order correct). This seems like a small thing, but a busy server working hard to feed hundreds of people in the restaurant does not have time for whiny or off focus children. The order of the kids were given just as quickly as the 3 adults at the table. This politeness and I would say maturity is learned behavior. Emily taught them this. I wonder who Emily learned it from.
My friend, Steve Friskel, taught me this year that he does not have a "half-brother" or a "step-brother", in his family he just has a brother. I do not share a bloodline with any of the five at this breakfast, but from now on they are just my cousins. Much simpler and much easier. Family is often just meeting your family where they are and loving them the best you can at that moment. I hope it is obvious that I feel I have received more from my cousins than I have given. (Sidenote: I always buy the breakfasts, but in this case and 65 other times, I have definitely been on the plus side of these breakfasts. Yesterday morning, I received so much more from my cousins than the cost of a couple of breakfasts). By the way, the oldest, the nine year old ate his dinosaur pancake without question even though he had CLEARLY ordered a regular pancake. I am proud of my little cousin. With Janice and Emily there was never any conversation lulls or awkward pauses, we talked about many things and it was great. I know this will continue. Good conversations. A few inside stories. Stories of Rick. Just like family. This IS what family looks like.
I sometimes write very serious descriptions of people I meet for breakfast. I want you to see these incredible people through my eyes. Just like in this story, I hope I have been successful. Now I am going to share a deeply personal story about myself. My entire life I have wanted to be married, and I definitely wanted to have my own kids. (Especially a little girl who I could shove elbows with as we waited for pancakes). My cousin Rick pulled off my miracle and he was always an inspiration for me. Very late in his life, when most would say the game was done, He met Janice and Emily and then came Joe and Sam. He achieved the happiness that I always longed for. In the end, I am not jealous but just so damn happy that Rick got his family and his loving, incredible wife. For those of you who remember the movie, I see Rick carrying Janice off the floor of the factory, and I shout as loud as I can, "Way to go, Paula, way to go."
Arnold, Missouri is not my home. I have never been to this restaurant tucked into the mall. I think I made an illegal U-turn to get there. So here is my advice to all, go away from your home, meet new people, laugh and share a meal. I had an incredible breakfast with my cousins. I look forward to more.
Thanks, Rick.
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